"Nothing," as defined by Webster's 7th online dictionary, means "no thing." How simple it is. Most definitions are not as lucky - compound words rarely reflect the meanings of their constituents. “Cargo” does not mean an automobile ride and “mankind” does not mean that people are generous. But this particular definition is rather elegant.
Nothing.
No thing.
Its own existence is a paradox. The concept of “nothing” does not lack conception. On the contrary, the concept of nothing is full of meaning that it cannot be simply described as “no thing”. If it was truly “no thing”, then it should not even have a definition. It is a void in space, a missing link or a deficiency of substance. A day spent doing nothing is still a day spent. Nothing can be more expensive than the Mona Lisa or cheaper than dirt. (Of course, since there is a sand shortage in Saudi Arabia, dirt may actually be worth more.)
It is the answer to the great quandaries of existence. What was before the big bang? Nothing. What is the space between electrons? Nothing. What did you do on your date last night? Oh, nothing. Since nothing travels faster than light, it could potentially be used to propel humans to the stars.
We could not survive without nothing. Nothing gets us through the day like having nothing to worry about. Buying nothing costs little and does not create clutter in your home. Spending nothing will never cause inflation. Stealing nothing will never land you in jail, no matter how hard you try. If nothing didn't exist, we would not have nine seasons of Seinfeld.
It can land us into trouble. If we did away with nothing, we would be just as badly off as we are now. If we ignore nothing, then we become deluged with work.
But it also can save us from awkward endings. After all, nothing is said, when there is nothing left to say.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Your Average Joe
I'm 5'10". Some may consider me tall while others will consider me short. America is consumed by averages of all sorts. On average, Boston receives 3.1 inches of rain in June, KFC serves 3,000 customers per week and people spend $271 on electricity per year. But in reality, it is very difficult to be dead-on-average. To be truly average is an unattainable goal.
For instance, the average american family has 3.14 persons and they would own 1.9 cars, according to the US Census Bureau. I don't know of a single household with 0.14 persons occupying it. Maybe they only come out at night? Likewise, I've never seen 0.9 of a car being driven around on the streets. Perhaps they're missing a wheel so they can't move?
Sometimes, it seems luxurious to be average. On average, a person will fall asleep in seven minutes and sleep for 8.6 hours per day. On average, americans spend 5.18 hours in leisure activities per day.
Sometimes, it's good to be above average. Most people have more than the average number of fingers on their hands. The average lifespan is 76 years.
Sometimes it's better to be below - the average speeding ticket costs $150.
But it is rare to be dead-on-average. The average height in America happens to be 5'10". I happen to be very proud of my mediocrity. I stand by it with pride.
For instance, the average american family has 3.14 persons and they would own 1.9 cars, according to the US Census Bureau. I don't know of a single household with 0.14 persons occupying it. Maybe they only come out at night? Likewise, I've never seen 0.9 of a car being driven around on the streets. Perhaps they're missing a wheel so they can't move?
Sometimes, it seems luxurious to be average. On average, a person will fall asleep in seven minutes and sleep for 8.6 hours per day. On average, americans spend 5.18 hours in leisure activities per day.
Sometimes, it's good to be above average. Most people have more than the average number of fingers on their hands. The average lifespan is 76 years.
Sometimes it's better to be below - the average speeding ticket costs $150.
But it is rare to be dead-on-average. The average height in America happens to be 5'10". I happen to be very proud of my mediocrity. I stand by it with pride.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Two Dimensions
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to live in a 2 dimensional universe?
Trees would stand like telephone poles and a forest would be perfectly lined like a white picket fence. Seasons would disappear - the sun would travel along the same path every day. Hurricanes and tornados would not exist. Rivers would not wind like a snake, neither would snakes. All roads would lead to Rome.
Refrigerator doors would not open to the right or left. Planes would not have wings. There would be no such thing as theater-in-the-round. If you were caught in traffic during the morning commute, there would be no lane to change to. TV would be a blinking line. There would be no road for the chicken to cross.
You would never throw a gutter ball. The hockey goalie would block everything. Tug-of-War would be the main Olympics attraction. There would be only one lane at the swimming pool. Cartwheels would be easy for anyone. Baseball would only have two bases.
Only one person could fish in the ocean at a time. There would be no left or right side of politics. No one would be able to cut in line. You would not be able to roll out of bed. Zen gardens would lose its meaning. You would never come to a fork in a road. Anyone could walk the tightrope. The fat man and the thin man would look exactly the same.
It would not matter which side the knife goes on. You would not be able to put your elbows on the table. Pies would look like spaghetti. All bread would be sliced. Doughnuts would not have holes.
And the people would be so one dimensional.
Trees would stand like telephone poles and a forest would be perfectly lined like a white picket fence. Seasons would disappear - the sun would travel along the same path every day. Hurricanes and tornados would not exist. Rivers would not wind like a snake, neither would snakes. All roads would lead to Rome.
Refrigerator doors would not open to the right or left. Planes would not have wings. There would be no such thing as theater-in-the-round. If you were caught in traffic during the morning commute, there would be no lane to change to. TV would be a blinking line. There would be no road for the chicken to cross.
You would never throw a gutter ball. The hockey goalie would block everything. Tug-of-War would be the main Olympics attraction. There would be only one lane at the swimming pool. Cartwheels would be easy for anyone. Baseball would only have two bases.
Only one person could fish in the ocean at a time. There would be no left or right side of politics. No one would be able to cut in line. You would not be able to roll out of bed. Zen gardens would lose its meaning. You would never come to a fork in a road. Anyone could walk the tightrope. The fat man and the thin man would look exactly the same.
It would not matter which side the knife goes on. You would not be able to put your elbows on the table. Pies would look like spaghetti. All bread would be sliced. Doughnuts would not have holes.
And the people would be so one dimensional.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
An 11 Month Christmas Season
Christmas is a time to gather with family and friends, catch up with their lives and reflect on the year before returning to the busyness that defines our lives. But Christmas tends to be overshadowed by a long to-do list with a hard deadline of midnight on the 24th. It is ironic that what should be an enjoyable season turns into perhaps the most stressful and there is a certain sense of relief when it is over. Frequently one hears that the meaning of Christmas is all but lost.
This year, I found myself in a strange predicament. I usually finish my holiday responsibilities early; all my shopping was done and cards were sent. But furthermore, through a strange twist of events, I found myself in between jobs and my holiday plans did not start until Christmas Day. The upshot: it was two day before Christmas and I had absolutely nothing to do.
“This,” I thought to myself, “gives me the perfect opportunity to search for the elusive Christmas spirit!” But where does one begin this search? I decided to go to where one finds the most number of people in one place during the Christmas season: the mall.
The mall, at 9:30 PM, was a place inviting chaos. Lines for registers wound around stores while shelves looked disheveled and unkempt. All of the stereotypical shoppers were here - last minute shopper carrying multitudes of bags, the mother with her whinny child and the unruly high school mob on holiday. Exhausted sales clerks sat on the floor while yuppie families browsed for the latest gadgetry. The food court was crowded with people taking a break from their shopping marathons. All of this happened over the din of Christmas music played on loop - done, redone, until it’s overdone.
While sitting at the food court, I realized that there was a common theme in all of the pandemonium. The mall, for all its frenzied and materialistic nature, became a nexus for people to gather. It became a lively meeting spot for friends to converse over a plate of Lo Mein at an hour most people usually reserve for bedtime preparation. Families chatted the hours away as they rested their feet. Since the mall was open later than usual, homeless people had a warm place to stay for a few extra hours. In essence, the act of shopping for gifts had brought people together in ways that do not happen during the normal year. During Christmas, we go to parties that are held once a year. We spend time with family that we see infrequently. We meet new people through mutual friends. The only problem is that we are so busy we do not enjoy each other's company.
So as we recover from Christmas and clean up the mess left behind, let us stop and be thankful for the friendships that we already have. Now that the holiday responsibilities are over, let us spread the holiday spirit throughout the year. Let us spend time with friends old and new no matter what the occasion and take the time to truly enjoy their company. After all, we only have eleven months before we will have to ignore everybody in order to shop for them.
This year, I found myself in a strange predicament. I usually finish my holiday responsibilities early; all my shopping was done and cards were sent. But furthermore, through a strange twist of events, I found myself in between jobs and my holiday plans did not start until Christmas Day. The upshot: it was two day before Christmas and I had absolutely nothing to do.
“This,” I thought to myself, “gives me the perfect opportunity to search for the elusive Christmas spirit!” But where does one begin this search? I decided to go to where one finds the most number of people in one place during the Christmas season: the mall.
The mall, at 9:30 PM, was a place inviting chaos. Lines for registers wound around stores while shelves looked disheveled and unkempt. All of the stereotypical shoppers were here - last minute shopper carrying multitudes of bags, the mother with her whinny child and the unruly high school mob on holiday. Exhausted sales clerks sat on the floor while yuppie families browsed for the latest gadgetry. The food court was crowded with people taking a break from their shopping marathons. All of this happened over the din of Christmas music played on loop - done, redone, until it’s overdone.
While sitting at the food court, I realized that there was a common theme in all of the pandemonium. The mall, for all its frenzied and materialistic nature, became a nexus for people to gather. It became a lively meeting spot for friends to converse over a plate of Lo Mein at an hour most people usually reserve for bedtime preparation. Families chatted the hours away as they rested their feet. Since the mall was open later than usual, homeless people had a warm place to stay for a few extra hours. In essence, the act of shopping for gifts had brought people together in ways that do not happen during the normal year. During Christmas, we go to parties that are held once a year. We spend time with family that we see infrequently. We meet new people through mutual friends. The only problem is that we are so busy we do not enjoy each other's company.
So as we recover from Christmas and clean up the mess left behind, let us stop and be thankful for the friendships that we already have. Now that the holiday responsibilities are over, let us spread the holiday spirit throughout the year. Let us spend time with friends old and new no matter what the occasion and take the time to truly enjoy their company. After all, we only have eleven months before we will have to ignore everybody in order to shop for them.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
A Short Short Tail
Aston and Nora were strolling by the ocean one day when they stumbled upon a bottle. When Aston opened the bottle, a well-aged parchment fell out.
"Hello, you have reached the answering parchment of Najeeb the Genie. Please leave your name, the date, an address, and your three wishes, and I will grant them upon my return. Thank you very much and have a great life!"
The rest of the parchment was filled with scribbles of people's names, addresses and wishes.
Aston was the first to speak. "Remember how the others laughed at us as we planned our escape? They would be so jealous of our fortunes right now."
"Indeed," replied Nora. "Let us take it with us. It will make a good addition to our home."
So Aston and Nora took the parchment and left the bottle behind. At home, they put it on top of a pile of wood shavings.
Several centuries pass and upon his return, Najeeb found the front door to his house ajar, the inside flooded with ocean water and his answering parchment missing. He could not have known that his residence was left in such a state by two rabbits that escaped from a local petting zoo. The answering parchment was used as part of their bedding until it disintegrated from overuse. There really was no way Aston and Nora could have followed his succinct instructions.
After all, rabbits can't read.
"Hello, you have reached the answering parchment of Najeeb the Genie. Please leave your name, the date, an address, and your three wishes, and I will grant them upon my return. Thank you very much and have a great life!"
The rest of the parchment was filled with scribbles of people's names, addresses and wishes.
Aston was the first to speak. "Remember how the others laughed at us as we planned our escape? They would be so jealous of our fortunes right now."
"Indeed," replied Nora. "Let us take it with us. It will make a good addition to our home."
So Aston and Nora took the parchment and left the bottle behind. At home, they put it on top of a pile of wood shavings.
Several centuries pass and upon his return, Najeeb found the front door to his house ajar, the inside flooded with ocean water and his answering parchment missing. He could not have known that his residence was left in such a state by two rabbits that escaped from a local petting zoo. The answering parchment was used as part of their bedding until it disintegrated from overuse. There really was no way Aston and Nora could have followed his succinct instructions.
After all, rabbits can't read.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
No To Be's
A frequent occurrence in my life: at best, I lose the things I really wanted.
In 5th grade, I wanted a toy microscope. Now it lies somewhere in my basement, forgotten for many years. I wanted to drive across the country in high school. Now that I've crisscrossed the country multiple times, it no longer appeals to me. I wanted to make music my profession but now my skills as a violinist grows stale as the days go by.
Many things I wanted I cannot even have. I wanted to fly to the moon but I hate rollercoasters and would never survive lift-off. I wanted to own a cat but found that I'm allergic to them.
Although I could not keep what I wanted, they have given me more than I needed. From my toy microscope, I found an insatiable curiosity that carried me through my college career. From my dreams of driving across the country, I have found a love for meeting people around the globe and understanding them no matter what their background. From my aspirations in music, I have found an anchor that keeps me grounded.
Keeping what one wants may be difficult but having what one needs makes up for it.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Schoenberg vs. Mozart
It is an age-old question that spawned many battle over countless generations. Scholars fought to the death in giant roman coliseums over the question. Musicians representing each faction jockeyed for position in the world's greatest orchestras. Massive demonstrations in public squares cheered one side and jeered the other.
Who was better? Mozart or Schoenberg?
In order to spare the health of humans, some scientists have already tested this question on animals.
Biological Analysis: In Vivo Study
A group of laboratory rats in a University of Texas experiment were subjected to daily doses of Mozart, and another group of rats had Arnold Schoenberg as their daily fare. The rats as a total group preferred Mozart. (Cross, Halcomb, and Matter, Psychonomic Science 7, 233, 1967)
Rebuttal to Biological Analysis:
Rats are deaf to much of the music because more than half the notes of a Mozart sonata are below the absolute threshold for what rats can hear. (Kenneth Steele, Music Perception 21, 251, 2003)
Veterinary Health:
It has been discovered that research causes cancer in lab rats.
Conclusion:
Who in their right mind would compose music for rats to enjoy? That's like building a car for dogs to drive. If you really want to see which one is the better composer, sponsor a concert where they are playing back-to-back Mozart and Schoenberg. Then count the number of people who leave after the Mozart piece and before the Schoenberg piece. Common sense wins again.
Who was better? Mozart or Schoenberg?
In order to spare the health of humans, some scientists have already tested this question on animals.
Biological Analysis: In Vivo Study
A group of laboratory rats in a University of Texas experiment were subjected to daily doses of Mozart, and another group of rats had Arnold Schoenberg as their daily fare. The rats as a total group preferred Mozart. (Cross, Halcomb, and Matter, Psychonomic Science 7, 233, 1967)
Rebuttal to Biological Analysis:
Rats are deaf to much of the music because more than half the notes of a Mozart sonata are below the absolute threshold for what rats can hear. (Kenneth Steele, Music Perception 21, 251, 2003)
Veterinary Health:
It has been discovered that research causes cancer in lab rats.
Conclusion:
Who in their right mind would compose music for rats to enjoy? That's like building a car for dogs to drive. If you really want to see which one is the better composer, sponsor a concert where they are playing back-to-back Mozart and Schoenberg. Then count the number of people who leave after the Mozart piece and before the Schoenberg piece. Common sense wins again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)